Hello! Hello! Hello!
I received the perfect inspiration to write my very first article of 2009 (the interviews don’t count) after writing an email to a friend of mine today about her own happiness. (Photo Credit: briguy_89)
I’m extremely thankful I feel inspired to write again! I knew this would happen - Whoohoooo!
By the way, my first gratitude post of 2009 is also coming. That’s taking much more time to create because not only do I have to organize a good handful pictures that I want to use but I also have much to say in gratitude. So stay tuned!
I recently received an email from a friend wrote in part, “So I figure that I can just put aside my own happiness and make sure everyone else is taken care of…..”
That got me going. I immediately wrote back.
Happiness is a state of mind. To make your life beautiful, you need to feel happiness inside. So, no, DON’T put aside your happiness in favor of taking care of other people. I know it sounds selfish but we are a nation of people pleasers where we constantly do what others want us to do in order to make THEM happy. How crazy is that?
My take on it is to do what makes YOU happy FIRST and then if people want to adjust, accept or reject you, that’s their business. Our job is to take care of ourselves. Yes, you have to balance it out and compromise along the way, of course. But if you consistently go out of your way to make others happy, allowing your wants and desires to fall by the wayside, guess what will happen?
You’ll experience a range of emotions from depression, sadness, anger, resentment or bitterness. And the funny thing is you’re the one that put yourself in that position! It has nothing to do with the other person. All the other person did was to say what he/she wants and you went along with it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that myself. I always know when my inner self is out of alignment when I agree to go along with whatever the other person wants just to make him/her happy. It never feels good. In fact, it feels as if I’m stuffing down too much food and than not feeling good afterward.
I can think of many examples like the son or daughter who follows a career path that Mom and Dad set before them. The son wants to be a musician but Daddy demands that he go to law school and join the family business. That sort of thing.
You know I started the raw food diet back in September of 2008. This change of lifestyle made one friend in particular very uncomfortable and she chose to back away in order to “protect herself.” After talking with her in earnest, I realized I had to let her go because I wasn’t going to go back to eating the way I used to just because it would make her happy. After all, it’s my body, not hers!
I’ve learned that when you make choices benefiting your well being and others cannot accept it, well then that’s their choice. Sometimes this means it’s time for you to move on, other times they’ll come around. It’s like the alcoholic who stops drinking and makes the decision not to hang around other boozers because otherwise he’d slide backwards.
So don’t you dare put aside your happiness! Take care of yourself, focus on your well being in every way possible - financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, etc. And then everything else will fall into place.
Look at it this way. If you are happy, genuinely happy, content and at peace, you’ll be more fun to be around and you’ll be radiating inner peace, love and happiness, all of which in turn will attract people of the same mindset.
On the other hand, if you neglect yourself and almost always go out of your way to make others people happy at your expense, then you’ll end up watching the rapid decline of your own health and well being.
Here’s another analogy. It’s like the mother who works constantly 24/7 taking care of her kids and husband but forgets to take time out for herself. At first she doesn’t mind but then she becomes crabby and unhappy. Who wants to be around someone like that? Either people start steering clear of her or she’ll attract similiar people, perhaps other unhappy mothers (remember misery loves company!).
This is where putting your foot down, asking people to pay you for services rendered and establishing boundaries comes in all of which will contribute to your own inner happiness. What’s not to like about that?
Food for thought: Have you ever found yourself in a position where you were forgetting about yourself and focusing on making everyone else happy?
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10:40 am on January 16th, 2009 1
Thank you, Stephen! Your message is timely, as always. It is good to have a reminder about taking care of oneself. Everyone seems to want something from us these days and it is important to remember to carve out time, sacred time, goof around time, pamper time, for ourselves. I am especially grateful because I am chasing my tail trying to get my grad schools apps in and need to remember to renew in 2009! It will make me a better candidate and more excited while I pursue entrance to these programs. Thanks! Great first post for 2009.
10:51 am on January 16th, 2009 2
@ Jen Krejsa:
The funny thing about writing posts like these is that they serve as a reminder for myself too! There’s something theraputic about writing — I always feel uplifted after I do it. By writing about things, they make a stronger impression on my subconscious.
Congratulations on taking your life to the next level by attending grad school. Your life will change dramatically once you go to school because you are doing something your heart is telling you to do. Way to go!
12:46 pm on January 16th, 2009 3
I have often put others happiness and desires in front of my own, still do it too much. But I am learning through the teachings of Abraham Hicks that we as humans are selfish creatures (and that it is okay, it is the way it should be). Our job is to do what makes us happy, not to do what makes others happy. If everyone minded their own business (for lack of a better term)we would all have nicer, more exciting, more fun lives.
12:48 pm on January 16th, 2009 4
Can I add, that being true to ourselves, does not include being unkind to others. I know there can sometimes be a fine line there, but there are almost always options.
4:33 pm on January 16th, 2009 5
Great post Stephen! This was something I had to learn the hard way, and thankfully it was my husband that forced me to see things from that perspective. At that time I was in a very unhappy place in my life but afraid to change that for fear of disappointing a lot of people . . . and it was him that said that I have to be happy with myself before in order to make any one else happy.
I really enjoy your posts.
7:19 pm on January 16th, 2009 6
Hm… I understand your point, Stephen, and agree with it, to a point. Taking care of ourselves is indeed critical if we’re to be able to care of others. I’ve noticed, though, that when I’m feeling particularly stressed and needy, it’s because my intent was not in its best place. If I’m feeling any version of “I have to” in whatever I’m doing, that’s when I feel the neediness creep closer, the “what about me” mantra starts to roll. When I’m caring for others, meeting their needs, honoring their wishes/requests with our hearts flung wide open and all our love pouring out…when I’m actively giving in the spirit of love, then no matter how exhausted or sore, my heart is still happy. I’m still singing. At least, that’s my experience — which I continually try to remember when I’m feeling exhausted and sore… LOL!
8:56 pm on January 16th, 2009 7
Caring for the self is certainly desirable. If you do not look after yourself, then you will not be fit and able to care for others, especially if the need arises. Situations exist where people are invited to re-evaluate their priorities and boundaries. One such example is when older parents become sick or otherwise unable to care adequately for themselves. This is a situation where we are each invited to rethink selfishness and selflessness in order to find some gray area we can live with and mentally accept. The “what about me” voice within may be a distraction or may dissipate when you decide what course of action makes sense for you.
9:34 am on January 17th, 2009 8
@ Liara Covert:
It’s all about making choices based on what course of action makes sense for you. Like you said, we are continually pressed to re-evaluate our priorities and boundaries - a life-long learning quest. I am still making adjustments.
For example, simple social situations like going to a specific place for dinner. What if one person wants to go to ABC restaurant while you want to go to DEF restaurant? Do you compromise or do you firmly say you want DEF? Whether or not we realize it, we’re always re-evaluating what it is we want in different situations and then making adjustments. Sometimes we compromise or negotiate, other times we stand firm.
9:40 am on January 17th, 2009 9
@ Julie:
I like how you put it “when I’m feeling particuarly stressed and needy, it’s because my intent was not in its best place.” Very good point!
I can identify with the love you feel when you’re caring for others, meeting their needs, etc. I’ve done that and my heart also sings but I also know that I need to set boundaries in those situations. How far do I go in meeting their needs?
For instance, say you volunteered to visit an elderly person during the week. First you start out going once a week. Then over time you start going a few times a week, gradually spending more and more time doing errands for that person until it becomes a full-time chore. Now what? How do you break away gracefully to replenish your own inner spirit and rest? By that point, the person has depleted his/her inner reserves because it went too far.
Another example would be a person who is constantly called upon the church to volunteer a lot of time. I have known of one or two people at church over the years who never had any time for himself because he was always at church doing this and that. It got to the point where he appeared ragged. It was hard for him to break away due to guilt.
11:10 am on January 17th, 2009 10
I have such a hard time finding balance in this area. Right now I am the “crabby mommy”! I’m such an all or nothing person I find myself bouncing back and forth from one side to the other. My poor hubby is sooo confused at times, ok, most times, he doesn’t know what to expect from me.
11:21 am on January 17th, 2009 11
Stephen, I concur with you that life in the physical world is a constant flux of situations that invite adapting and adjusting. No constant middle ground exsits for everyone between selflessness and selfishness. Individual reasoning for specific choices varies.
In order to dissolve counterproductive energy, it is said that altruistic motivations and actions heal destructive emotions. Meditation is a way people have been known to raise awareness and discover their own misconceptions. To believe one choice is necessarily better than another is a value judgment that could be problematic. You only ever conclude something is desirable or not through your own reasoning. It is up to you to discover holes in your own theories and even then, you may not be prompted to revise them.
1:26 pm on January 17th, 2009 12
Stephen, your question “How far do I go in meeting their needs?” is the exact point when we should realize our actions are by our own choice. When we start to feel overwhelmed, we can just as easily choose to give ourselves permission to take a breather. That way, our loving services doesn’t become a burdensome “Why me?” or “But I have to, because…” Our loving intent remains in place—for everyone…for the recipient and for ourselves.
1:53 pm on January 17th, 2009 13
@ Liara Covert:
You mention meditation often in your comments. How long have you been doing that? Do you have a specific technique? I wonder. Of course, what may work for you might not work for someone else but I’m curious anyway.
Counterproductive energy, in my experience, dissolves when I extend an act of love and kindness to others. It’s magical. That’s where we can go outside ourselves and make a difference as long as we don’t neglect ourselves in the process.
1:57 pm on January 17th, 2009 14
@ Natalia Burleson:
I empathize with you on this. While I’m not in your position, I have read about other mothers who create for themselves down time and asks everyone to respect it. For instance, maybe make a point of having a “girls night out” with your friends once a week or something like that.
Or be even more imaginative and create a “Mommie Pamper Day” where your spouse and kids pamper you for the day. Make it a family affair where everyone is having fun.
The key is communicating your needs to the family and asking them to respect it. That would be my suggestion. Start small and work your way up. You can do it.
2:05 pm on January 17th, 2009 15
@ julie:
Excellent point Julie - it’s all about choice. And being aware. You see, many people go through their lives unconsciously. They’re making decisions and choices on a sublimnal level, unaware of the consequences of their actions or thoughts. When that happens, they set themselves up to be the victims of circumstances, pointing their fingers outwards and say things like “I’m overwhelmed because so and so is making me do this.”
Those who have at least some level of awareness are seeing it differently and saying, “Oops, I’ve overextended myself - I better cut back.” That’s the value of taking full responsibility.
4:21 pm on January 17th, 2009 16
Hi Stephen,
I love this post. It speaks very much to how important it is to take care of ourselves first - so that we can adequately care/be/love those around us. And happiness is a big part of that. Conscious decisions - very well said - choices we decide to make “consciously” is an important distinction to remember. …which this all reminds me, there is one area in my life, one activity I’m involved in that has become a burden, and my happiness suffers — maybe it’s time to do something about that…
4:31 pm on January 17th, 2009 17
You can’t give in the spirit of love or from the heart to others when you are too tired, sick or unhappy and you are empty because you haven’t been taking care of your own needs. The statement that came to mind when I was reading this and the comments was, “When Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” As a parent and mother, we often set the whole tone for everyone who lives in our homes. In the job place, it is called burnout. Great post, Stephen.
4:42 pm on January 17th, 2009 18
Stephen - I agree about looking after yourself, but its important not to get hung up on “trying” to be happy. I can quote from two of my favorite books; Mihlay Csikszentmihalyi in Flow says “Its by being fully involved with every detail of our lives, whether good or bad, that we find happiness, not by trying to look for it directly.”
and Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning says “Don’t aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a courses greater than oneself.”
Have a great 2009, David
4:51 pm on January 17th, 2009 19
@ David Rogers:
You’re right - if we become too obsessed with being happy, it could very well end up eluding us. I remember reading a quote somewhere that read something like:
“Happiness is like the butterfly. If you chase after it, it’ll fly away from you but if you sit still, it will land in your hand or nearby easily and effortlessly.”
This is a paraphrase of that quote. Similar to the let it go and if it comes back to you, then it was always yours. Something like that.
The quote you mentioned is right along the same lines of not being too obsessed with it but “letting it happen.” When we are “desperate” for something, it continues to be out of reach. But when we let go, become centered, it comes around.
It’s like hoping to find the right person and chasing after the ones you think will make you happy only to find they either run away from you or you find out they aren’t what you were looking for after all.
Thanks for stopping in - you made great points here. My take-away was not to get too obsessed with finding happiness. Just BE and the rest will take care of themselves.
4:53 pm on January 17th, 2009 20
@ Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker:
Haha, that’s funny “When Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” I like that! It’s very true too.
Glad you enjoyed this one Patricia. I felt inspired to write it immediately after sending an email to a friend. I’m glad I followed on my intuitive impulses.
4:54 pm on January 17th, 2009 21
@ Lance:
Wow, this post helped you recognize one area of your life that has become a burden rather than a joy and you’re now going to do something about that? Wow! That’s awesome.
Let us know how it went.
5:11 pm on January 17th, 2009 22
Stephen, exploring meditation is something I have always done. This journey teaches me about different levels of awareness and continues to alter how I perceive, experience and feel. Astral and lucid dreaming are useful as well as spiritual techniques in awake states. All of it enables me to examine, connect with and detach from energy. I have also made pilgrimages to spiritual places which expand my consciousness. What I intuit and experience evolves every moment.
Each person has a choice to grow anywhere he perceives to be. To choose to meditate on emptiness and how you have come to experience the world helps you recognize false appearances, misperceptions of phenomena and the wisdom new perspectives offer. That occurs based on your state of readiness. This evolves according to your inner gorwth.
As a person begins to prioritize who to care for before others, he may forget that he never stopped caring for himself. In fact, he cares about himself so much that he is willing to imagine and create infinite experiences and situations to learn in the physical world. As you choose to shift awareness, you come to realize that what you think you are not doing is merely a state of mind. You are doing everything you need to do at this moment. You already have everything you will ever need. You self-question as a means to learn the depth of doubt. If these truths are not apparent to you, then you have not yet arrived at that level of self-awareness. Everything is a process. Every stage is meaningful insofar as you view it that way.
6:19 pm on January 17th, 2009 23
I am really interested in this kind of discussion. Thank for your post and providing a forum for this discussion.
6:24 pm on January 17th, 2009 24
@ Jackie:
Hello there Jackie, I’m glad you find this to be an interesting discussion. Me too!
6:28 pm on January 17th, 2009 25
@ Liara Covert:
I love “you already have everything you will ever need.” That statement is something I’ve heard before and it continues to be of enormous reassurance.
By the way, thanks to your “new blog” blogroll over at your blog, I discovered “Confessions of a Mystic” and was hooked from the get-go. I’m still reading her online book under that title. A fascinating writer - thank you for putting that blog on your blogroll.
3:45 pm on January 18th, 2009 26
Glad you continue to enjoy exploring gems available on Dreambuilders Australia. Your comments are always valued.
10:02 am on February 7th, 2009 27
Wonderful article. I have been way to out of balance in the taking care of me arena and have been working to remedy the situation.
I am a positive thinker, but positive thinking can only take you so far. You’ve got to act on those thoughts. Eventually I realized that true love for yourself (and thus for others) can only expressed by taking care of oneself.
If you don’t it would be much like parents saying they love their kids, but caring little about where they are, and what they are doing. Or the animal lover who adopts so many cats that the cats can’t be really taken care of and end up spreading disease to each other.
Anyway, great article.
12:15 pm on February 7th, 2009 28
@ Leisa Watkins | Here’s to Your Success:
Leisa, I’m delighted you enjoyed the article!
Great points - thanks for weighing in with your thoughts.
5:11 pm on June 6th, 2009 29
You are so right, people too often put off seeking their happiness. I think so often people shy away from seeking what they really want because they are scared. Take some risks. It is better to try and miss than not to try.
6:02 pm on June 6th, 2009 30
@ Hollie Steel:
I believe we tend to put it off because we’re taught that it’s selfish to look out for our own inner happiness. My philosophy is if I’m constantly looking to make others happy and neglect my own wants and needs, I’ll end up becoming miserable. Who wants to hang out with miserable people (unless they’re miserable themselves - “misery loves company” comes to mind). Thanks for chiming in.
2:21 am on November 10th, 2009 31
I can’t tell you what your blog is doing for me, its like you are reading my mind every time I read through one of your posts.
“know it sounds selfish but we are a nation of people pleaser’s where we constantly do what others want us to do in order to make THEM happy. How crazy is that?” Stephen this sentence is so TRUE I couldn’t believe it when I was reading that there are so many other people that seem to do the same thing. I am slowly coming around to the fact that I have start putting myself first something that I have never done, I always think of everyone first and if there is time and energy left myself but that rarely happened, and I was starting to feel yuk and sad and down, I have now started to put me first and I have also learn’t to stand up and say NO, and you know what if I loose a few “friends” along the way then these were never truly friends.
Its like that other saying that One has to love themselves first before they can love anyone else and as I take each day I am starting to see tis more clearly and it does make so much sense.
Thank you Stephen for your wonderful out look and your thoughts.