I’ve been meaning to write this post ever since I read “17 Lies That Are Holding You Back and The Truth That Will Set You Free” by Steve Chandler. The book made me smile because some of what I read in there were self perpetuating little white lies I’ve told myself over the years. (Photo credit: “mangu” wanders by)
We all do it.
But that doesn’t make it right. We create our own adversity when we try to get away with lies we tell ourselves. There’s a saying that we might try to fool others but we can’t fool God or ourselves. Sooner or later those lies come back to bite us. Hard.
We lie to ourselves for two main reasons: fear and laziness. We’re too lazy to do what we know needs to be done. Either that or we’re afraid of facing what we know to be the truth so we gloss over things or look the other way.
Here are couple of the lies I’ve told myself over the years and how I found them not to be so true after all:
Lie #1: I’m not well connected.
Truth: Contrary to popular belief, it’s not always who you know but mostly what you do (i.e. take action) that brings you closer to your goals. I have numerous examples of my own experiences that smash this little white lie to pieces but I will share 3 with you.
- Example 1: Up to this point, none of my speaking engagements have come as a result of someone I knew. That’s right, ZIPPO. It all began with the decision to have my speaking website professionally overhauled. What I needed was a user friendly site with video testimonials and clips, to name a few. It wasn’t cheap but two or three weeks after the new site went live, I got a completely unsolicited speaking engagement from the University of Phoenix (and many more after that). The funny thing was I knew no one from there. They found me through a Google search and once they visited the site, I was contacted to see if I was available and what my price was. Once I told them the specifics, I was hired. Just like that. No haggling over price, no this or that. Snap, snap and I was booked. Why? Not because I had any “inside contacts” but because I took action. It’s not who you know but what you do.
- Example 2: Several weeks ago, Mark Joyner from Simpleology launched a video competition for the BestSelling Blueprint program (BeTheNextBestSellingAuthor.com). Right around that time, I had just bought a new camcorder and was trying things out for this blog. While I was playing around with it, a subscriber alerted me to Mark’s video competition and suggested that I give it a shot. At first, doubt plagued my mind but I manage to shove them aside and did the video anyway. Competition was fierce with over 200 videos submitted yet I came in first place. Why? Not because I knew Mark or anyone from Simpleology, but because I took action, made the video and then submitted it. It’s not who you know but what you do.
- Example 3: In the late 1990’s, I was sitting on my couch, thinking of all the people who made a difference in my life. My fifth grade teacher’s face swam into focus. I asked myself, “How can I thank her in a big way for making a difference in my life?” The first thought was “On a talk show, why not!?’ The fact that I didn’t know anyone in Hollywood almost stopped me from at least giving it a shot. I wrote a letter to Oprah, The Gayle King Show (now off the air-she’s Oprah’s best friend), The View (with 4 woman including Barbara Walters) and Leeza (also now off the air). Would you believe that every single one of them (except Oprah) got back to me within a week? That’s right - I ended up surprising my fifth grade teacher on the national Leeza show! And it wasn’t because I had “Hollywood” connections but because I took action and simply wrote a letter! It’s not who you know but what you do.
I have many more examples but this ought to suffice. Can you think of a time something good came because of an action you took and not because you knew someone who knew someone else, as the saying goes? I’d love to hear about it.
Lie #2: It’s normal to have love handles and a beer belly when you reach middle age.
Truth: It doesn’t have to be that way. There are men and women in GREAT shape in their 40’s, 50’s 60’s and even older.
- Last year I made a decision to take better care of myself by maintaining a disciplined physical fitness regiment and becoming conscious of what I was eating. For a long time I looked at myself in the mirror, disgusted by what I saw but glossed over it by saying, “Hey, I’m almost 50, what do you expect?” But the lie was a way of covering up the fact that I was too lazy to workout. Deep down inside, I was not at all happy with how I looked. It didn’t feel good to suck in my stomach so I could fit in those pants I bought last year. I felt unattractive. My self confidence took a hit. But once I dropped this lie and made a firm decision, I went on to lose 20 lbs in less than 4 months! The end result? I felt GREAT. My confidence returned and I had more energy. I had a bounce to my walk. That was last year.
Unfortunately this year, I didn’t keep up with it and gained it all back. After going to SOBCon08 last weekend and meeting a lot of “in-shape” bloggers, I knew I was back to lying to myself again.
Therefore, I am holding myself accountable and telling you, my faithful friends, that I am not only working out on a regular basis (again!) but also becoming a conscious eater. My intention is to be back to my normal weight of 155 lbs by September 1, 2008, four months from now. I know I can do this because it was only a year ago I did this. It doesn’t matter that I am almost 50 (okay, okay, I’m going to be 48 in a few weeks, okay? Is that close enough?).
Lie #3: Someone will discover me and write me a big check.
Truth: While Bruce Willis was discovered as a bartender, being found as the next big talent rarely happens. No one is going to enamored by what you’re doing (especially if you’re not out there promoting yourself - more on that in another post) and suddenly write you a check. You have to bite the bullet even if it means going into debt or taking out a business loan (both of which I abhorred the thought of doing).
- Telling myself this lie held me back from making investments in the things I knew needed to be done. For instance, I kept putting off the making of my demo video tape because I knew it would cost thousands to hire the right video person to do it for me. I lied to myself because I was afraid to fall back into the hole like I did in the early 80’s. The experience of getting over my head with credit card debt (to the point where i almost went bankrupt) made me reluctant to touch credit cards ever again. But you gotta do what you gotta do if you want your business to take off. Only you can take action.
Lie #4: My self esteem comes from people, places and things outside myself.
Truth: While praise and recognition from other people, places or circumstances is wonderful, they are fickle, fleeting. What lasts is the feeling that comes from accomplishing something you did. This allows you to raise your self esteem anytime you want because it’s not based on something outside yourself (which can change at the drop of a hat).
- I used to tell myself that if the audience wasn’t clapping loudly enough or giving me a standing ovation at the end, it meant that I sucked. I now know that’s not true. I don’t do speeches for the standing ovations (outside myself); I do them to make a difference (feel good inside).
Two weeks ago I gave a presentation in Las Vegas as a closing keynote speaker. It was one of those presentations where I was in the “zone.” My mind, body and spirit were connected. The stories that I was sharing flowed beautifully. I felt confident, powerful and very much connected with everyone in the room. After it was over, I asked myself what I thought of my own performance. My response was, “It felt really, really good.” And you know what? That’s all that really counts. It didn’t matter that I didn’t get a standing ovation. It didn’t matter that no one rushed over to mob me for an autograph. It didn’t matter that one or two people “didn’t get it.” It was the “doing” of this speech that elevated my self-esteem, not the audience.
Food for thought: What lies have you told yourself lately? Don’t be shy!
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Hi Stephen,
Your timing of the post about Little White Lies is interesting as I just became aware of one I was practicing this past week.
I was so amazed and intrigued that I just went ahead and blogged about the “Ah Ha!” moment when I realized it.
We are all faced with adversities of some variety. Thanks for your inspiration and good work.
Loraleigh
Loraleigh Vances last blog post..How to Shake it like a Polaroid Picture!
Loraleigh:
Isn’t it amazing the power of the mind that is used for good and bad? Good in terms of overcoming adversity and bad in terms of lying to ourselves? We could use the mind for either or. Amazing, right?
What was your white lie, if you don’t mind sharing?
Stephen, great insights! I found your blog via Chris Brogan and will definitely be reading you from now on. Your lie #2 is very close to one I tell myself — that I’ll get back to eating healthy and working out “when I’m ready.” It’s a lie because I need to JUST DO IT and not keep waiting for this imaginary moment in time when I’ll suddenly be “ready” and it’ll all be much easier to do. It’s never easy to start eating right and exercising again after you’ve let yourself go for a while. Just gotta DO IT!
Lara Kretlers last blog post..On PR blacklisting
Lara:
Hey there! Welcome, welcome and welcome. I’m so excited to have you here. Thanks for letting me know you found me via Chris. I had the good fortunate to meet him at SOBCon08 and we immediately connected. He’s a good, authentic person.
Hahaha, Lie #2 is probably the most common, isn’t it? Gosh, I’ve been on and off that lie for years and now I’m back off the lie and working on myself, yet again.
Thanks!! Glad you stopped by and commented.
Hi Stephen,
Isn’t it amazing how God works in our lives. This post is ringing right behind the patience that I have been working on. I’m a I WANT IT NOW kinda girl.
I’m a bit overwhelmed to respond, so I’ll be back, but I know that your points are excellent! Taking care of your body, mind and spirit is priority.
Now, I’m thinking my LIE is “no one wants to hear about a girl that grew up with Deaf parents, what’s so special about that”? or, “it’s so hard to keep educating people”.
Lisa Callsens last blog post..Merci Beaucoup Sign Language and Thanks To Our Soldiers
Hi Stephen,
Love this post and your emphasis on action supported from within! You wrote to Oprah? Gee that’s my long-term dream, too, to be on her show. (And I think it will be a great compliment for her because I don’t watch TV at all and know no other names as talk show host. . .)
About weight control. I really think majority of Americans are going into premature aging. People usually assume my age 10 to 15 years less than what it really is. (The pic on my blog is from 3 years ago when I was 43.) I stay young because I don’t buy into those group lies that certain age people look and weigh such and such BS. . .
Akemi - Yes to Mes last blog post..Do You Know What I Do?
Does rationalizing count as “white lie”?
Nitas last blog post..An Unexpected Interruption
Lisa:
Yes, it’s always interesting to see how God works in our lives. I’m always encountering posts from other places that seem to hit the right note as if they were written just for me. Glad this one resonated with you.
I had to smile when you said you want things NOW. I’m like that too but I’ve learned to gradually let go and let God. But on occasion, I fall into that trap, forgetting.
Your lie is very common - we think we’re not good enough and that our stories are not compelling enough for others to hear but the funny thing is, YOUR STORY IS VERY COMPELLING to certain people. Not everyone will want to hear my story or yours but in a world of billions of people, there’s bound to be people who want to hear your story.
When put in that light, all of a sudden it makes sense, doesn’t it? It just takes time and patience to find those people who want to hear your story. But always remember, you are a STAR. You are God’s child, ready to shine. The world is waiting for you. NOW. LOL.
Akemi:
So glad you stopped by today!
How awesome it is to look 10 to 15 years younger than your actual age. That’s awesome. Of course, that wouldn’t be possible if you bought into all those lies and hoarded them from within. Good for you! You must get a lot of compliments! That’s great.
Hi Stephen,
It actually was more of a white monolog than a white lie. I blogged about it here http://www.loraleighvance.com/blog/2008/05/awareness-equals-responsibility/.
In a nutshell it was about how there was this monolog running in the background of my brain about how everyone else’s life was better than mine. I found then I would focus on that fact rather than focusing on making my life better.
As I said though, with awareness comes responsibility. Now I have to do something about it.
Thank you for your kind comments and keep up the great work!
Loraleigg
Loraleigh Vances last blog post..Clarification of the Niebu-lous Niebu Etiquette
Nita:
Very, very good question. My response?
I think the definition of rationalizing is the same as trying to fudge the truth. When you rationalize, I think it’s the same as making an excuse so you can do something you know you shouldn’t do or not do something you’re supposed to do.
Isn’t that the definition of “rationalizing”? I suppose it would really depend on the situation but…..the word itself…seems to lend to a form of reasoning in order to arrive at a conclusion that is satisfactory to yourself or to other parties even if it isn’t the real truth.
What do you think?
Loraleigh:
Excellent - I appreciate you sharing what you wrote because I asked for it. I had been asking people not to put in self-serving links unless it was appropriate and what you just did was perfect. I wanted to know what your white lie was and you directed me (and others) to your site to satisfy my answer. Great job!
Thanks for sharing - when I start to compare myself to others, that’s when I lie to myself and say they’re having a better life than me. But I don’t do that as much anymore because I’ve learned how dangerous it is to compare to others (if you look in the archives, you’ll see an article I wrote months about about comparing myself to others being debilitating.
Thanks for getting back to us about your white lie - now I’m going to take a look at your article and read more about it.
Self-esteem truly does come from within. Before I felt it inside, I took what others were telling me as truth and made it mine so sometimes we can use the outside stuff to help us believe in ourselves. I didn’t believe in myself for a very long time. I thought I was worthless. Others told me I had value and was a good person, writer and speaker. I listened and decided they were right and did something about it. I made it mine. Now my self-esteem is healthy. I am no longer a shy girl who can’t carry on a conversation with anybody. I have self-confidence and love myself. I learned that if I don’t love myself, I can’t truly love anyone else. Until I love myself, everything else is just an imitation of love. Great post, as usual.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..Blessed By Strong Women—Happy Mother’s Day
#1 Self Lies due to the two main reasons of fear and laziness.
There is a book that came out years ago about why smart people do stupid things…and it related how self esteem has such an impact on how people live. There are many people willing to be critical of others (low self esteem). Yet, in-spite of knowing better people can take in the lies.
Perhaps it’s that choosing that is the point at which people are seemingly ‘lazy’. Being torn in two directions by what they know is right and still having the ‘indoctrination’ of being told what others promote as what is ‘wrong with them’. Fear can be from either real or perceived difficulty. Change can be hard but is possible.
It’s not who you know but what you do.
I agree that it’s not who you know but what you do. I’m the only one who can take the steps to eat what is good for me. I’m the only one who can decide what each day is to encompass. And yet I’m the one who should be flexible in order to accept that not everything will go as planned but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.
#2 It’s normal to have love handles and a beer belly when you reach middle age.
Olympics here I come! lol A ways to go there! I like being in shape but have had to deal with a reaction to a prescription antibiotic (a simple infection to be treated with a new antibiotic that was a new combination of drugs…which my body didn’t like). So for me getting ‘back’ is a slow process but I know that it is possible.
#3. Someone will discover me and write me a big check.
The media promotes contests so the concept of a prize is part of society. Perhaps the wishful thinking is just that part of the brain where the daydreams are. Daydreams are important. Then we’re back to reality and our passion and goals.
You have to bite the bullet even if it means going into debt or taking out a business loan (both of which I abhorred the thought of doing).
Because of the medication reaction there has been an ongoing balancing of what priorities are. My income was impacted. But I have completed a number of goals and multiple projects are in process with lots of ideas for the future. But I do find that I question what is best to do in order to move forward.
#4 My self esteem comes from people, places and things outside myself.
When you think about it society in general is set up so that self esteem is based upon performance, appearance, and fitting in. Look at advertising, how schools or offices are set up. What are the unwritten rules? Learning to be ‘self’ reliant isn’t always easy.
I think that for me a big questioning time was when I was to become a Mum…I was living in England at the time so I use Mum and that’s how I used to say it. I knew that parenting would be an ongoing process but it came down to me accepting my self value. I’d studied, ate right, exercised, and went to all the classes. After all, my parenting wasn’t what anyone said or wrote but mine at 3o’clock in the morning.
Truth: While praise and recognition from other people, places or circumstances is wonderful, they are fickle, fleeting. What lasts is the feeling that comes from accomplishing something you did. This allows you to raise your self esteem anytime you want because it’s not based on something outside yourself (which can change at the drop of a hat).
So true! It’s like the Chinese proverb about a journey of a thousand miles that begins with the first step. No one else can take that step and after you take it you know that you are that much closer to reaching your destination. There may be sidetracks but you know how to take the next step in the journey.
Joan
Joan Reinbolds last blog post..Laughter Yoga
Hey Stephen, beautiful!
MJ
Mark:
Thanks for stopping by! Glad you liked this one.
Joan:
That was quite a response from you! Thanks for your incredible input, sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. I can tell this post made a big impact on you.
Patricia:
As usual, your comments add so much value to this community.
I agree 100 percent that self esteem comes from within. I know how I used to look outside myself for validation. We all do it from time to time. But lately, similiar to your experience, I have been feeling this strong sense of inner power.
For instance, I was in the elevator recently and decided to strike up a friendly conversation with another guy in there. He appeared to be very indifferent, uninterested. Sort of shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t care. In the past I would have let that bother me and take it personally, thinking I wasn’t engaging enough or something like that. But on that day, I said to myself, “Oh well, maybe he’s just an apathetic person having a bad day.” Then I went on with my day. It was hard not to notice that about my thinking. Felt pretty cool actually.
Thanks again for sharing.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..Little White Lies We Tell Ourselves
This is one of your more outstanding articles, Stephen.
You have really pulled the scab off here. Especially the part that our self esteem comes from outside ourselves!
You have cut out the work for us.
Corinne:
Wow, thanks! It felt good to write it. I was in my “element,” writing this late at night and the words flowed. I felt good and that’s the payoff I get for writing most of the time.
Wonderful share Stephen. Good points on me too. I often tell myself the self esteem lie and the out of shape one. Both of which I know better about. Thanks.
Todd Jordans last blog post..Self-Hosted and all in one piece
Todd:
Glad you stopped by! Amazing what the human mind will conjure at times.
Hey Stephen!
I really loved this one! It is just easier to make excuses rather than to take action. I think sometimes I’m afraid to take action because deep down inside I’m really afraid of failure. It’s “safer” to make excuses and do nothing, than to take a chance and fail, but then where is your reward? You have nothing to show for yourself but “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s…and excuses”.
SO MANY of us struggle with the weight/health issue!! I know I did. “I’m a single mom, who works, performs, rehearses, goes to school, volunteers, etc etc. I don’t have time to workout and I deserve to eat what I want.” I thought that I was rewarding myself with food, but in reality I was just hurting myself. The real reward to myself would be to actually take care of myself.
Finally, I’ve started putting myself first. Most of it is thanks to a great book called “YOU on a diet” by Doctors Roizen and Oz. I started eating by the standards set in this book and working out, and I’ve since lost almost 30 pounds! I feel SO GOOD and I don’t feel the least bit deprived. It really feels like a lifestyle and not a diet. I recommend getting this book on tape or CD because it’s not exactly a page turner unless you’re into reading a lot of medical jargon.
Thanks for sharing all of this! I hope to see you on Sunday!!
my self esteem is helped by the thought that we are not created for something or someplace but for someone. thanks stephen.
Jonathan:
Good to have you back here again! You present an interesting viewpoint - we are not created for something or someplace but for someone.
Can you elaborate on that a bit more? I find it a very interesting, thought provoking statement.
When you say “someone,” who do you mean? Someone else or do you mean the person him/herself?
Thanks for jumping in here.
Jenni!!!!
How awesome it is to have you stop by and comment at Adversity University. I’m so excited to see you here.
I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say it feels great to have lost 30 lbs. As I mentioned in my article, I lost 20 and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt.
That leads me to the billion dollar question. If we know we feel good after losing weight or after a good vigorous workout, etc. why don’t we do it more often? Isn’t that something?
In other words, we KNOW we will feel better if we eat properly or worked out or did something we know we’re supposed to do but we don’t want to cross that threshold.
Amazing, isn’t it?
Anyway, I can also identify with the “rewarding of myself with food” kind of thing. OH YES. Count me in that crowd too. It’s funny - I’ll be shopping and I’ll see a delicious bag of chips or something and my mind would say something like “BUY THIS, you deserve to treat yourself to a bowl of…….” LOL
It’s good to know your “alternative eating lifestyle” is working where you don’t feel deprived. That’s the problem with most diets - we feel we’re neglecting ourselves because we deny ourselves what we crave.
Thanks for stopping in - it was really cool to have you write a very strong, powerful value added comment. I love it when people do that b/c it opens the way for more conversation - isn’t that what this is for?