I was living in Michigan at the time. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon with dark, angry clouds that seemed to cast a spell of gloom and doom. (Photo: Catchphrase X)
I had a shopping errand to run but I do not remember what it was for. A friend told me to check out a small store, perhaps a Radio Shack, that was sandwiched in the middle of a non-descript strip mall, just outside Detroit.
I went in and out quickly, not finding whatever I was looking for. The small black umbrella in my hand was no match for the torrential downpour. I quickly scurried back to the car, sidestepping huge puddles that threatened to turn into a raging river in a New York minute.
Feeling somewhat chagrined because I went all the way out there only to come out empty handed, I was anxious to get back home. It didn’t help that my umbrella was of the cheap variety either.
Focused on getting out of there as fast as possible, I wasn’t paying attention to anything but the task of starting the car. Just as I turned the key, a young woman materialized out of thin air, furiously pounding on the window of the passenger door, startling the crap out of me.
The lady’s face was a mask of pure anguish. She was crying and yelling incoherently. Her wet summer clothes clung tenaciously to her petite frame. She appeared borderline homeless but I couldn’t tell. (Photo: Polish Sausage Queen)
Feeling as if I was shoved into a corner with no way out, I suspiciously rolled down the window a crack, wondering what the commotion was all about.
All I could make out in the dizzying blur of words was that she needed money to get home. Her screams were punctured by dry heaves. The young lady was scaring me.
I slowly reached into the back pocket for my wallet and peered inside the dark abyss. I remember thinking perhaps I had a few dollars in there, maybe some ones or fives.
Instead, an involuntary shudder passed through me when I found a crisp $20 bill staring back up at me!
My head swung in her direction and then back to the wallet.
A million thoughts hurtled through my mind but all I could think of was ”DON’T! SHE WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!!”
Against my better judgement, I lied and sheepishly said, ”Sorry, I don’t have any money.”
Crestfallen, she backed away a step. I rolled up the window and sped away.
As I was leaving, I watched her petite frame shrink to the size of an ant in the rearview mirror. Her shoulders seemed to sag all the way down to the asphalt. It was not a pretty sight.
I tried to take my mind off her by focusing on the rapid-fire wipers but everytime I came to a stoplight, the noose of guilt grew progressively tighter.
The longer I waited for the light to turn green, the more I thought about making a U-turn and dashing back but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. (Photo: Barb Henry)
At the fifth stoplight, I finally broke through the veil of heavy resistance and swung around my car like a cop giving a suspect the chase of his life and went looking for her.
When I arrived, I climbed out of the car and peered through the downpour, hoping to catch a glimpse of her somewhere … anywhere.
She was gone.
Wracked with guilt, I immediately chastised myself for not rising to the occasion when I knew I should have. There were numerous times when I cried out for help in the past and I was always given a hand in some way, form or shape.
A sense of heaviness permeated my soul the rest of the day. For weeks afterwards, I wondered if she ever made it home. Or if she really was trying to take advantage of me. I’ll never know.
That was six or seven years ago.
Despite the dismal outcome, one good thing did come from this. When an opportunity came to get involved with my church’s community meal program (homeless people are fed a hot meal twice a month), I jumped at the chance. It was an act of self repentence — not in the religious sense – but a second chance to make up for it — to wipe the slate clean.
Sometimes we are called upon to serve as someone else’s angel. The next time I hear His whisper to help someone in dire need, I’ll understand that it’s an opportunity to rise to the occasion and reach out.
Food for thought: Have you ever been called to act as an angel and help someone in need but stopped yourself for fear of “being taken advantage of”?
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11:00 pm on March 8th, 2008 1
Captivating story, Stephen.
Just some food for thought, but maybe your first instinct that maybe she was trying to take advantage of you was the correct one?
Sheila’s last blog post..Video of Current Lava Flow into the Ocean
6:23 am on March 9th, 2008 2
Thanks Sheila - who knows? Maybe it was my intuition telling me that.
12:02 pm on March 9th, 2008 3
Stephen,
I’ve been both the recipient and (hopefully) the channel for those little miracles we so frequently overlook.
The times that my needs were miraculously met were humbling–they reminded me that we are all connected and none of us is ever alone unless we choose to be.
The times that I was part of a ministry beyond my knowledge or abilities were truly spiritual. They were so *right* that there was no question that I was the instrument of something infinitely larger than myself.
I’ve appreciated your blog since I started subscribing to it and never taken the opportunity to thank you for your inspiration. You have touched me deeply and said things that came “at just the right time” when I became discouraged and depressed. Thank you for being you.
(God must have planned a gratitude day for me today–first I heard Jo Dee Messina sing “Bring on the Rain” on my Last.FM radio station and then I got this post in my email.)
Take care and know that what you do is touching people in ways that you could not imagine…
1:29 pm on March 9th, 2008 4
I think with all of the homeless and panhandlers on the streets of our cities today, we have all been in this situation at one time or another. You wonder if you are really helping them or if you are buying their next drink of alcohol or drugs. My brother-in-law will offer to let them earn the money by working with him for a few hours on a parking lot instead of just giving them money. You would be surprised at the people who will walk away instead of working for their money.
I can remember one time that I felt guilty for helping a person. My husband, 2 year old son and baby daughter were in our truck going to see my husband’s parents who lived 3 hours away. We were driving down an Interstate highway when we needed to stop for gasoline. It was early winter when the temperatures weren’t too cold yet, unless you were riding in the back of a truck. As my husband was coming back to the truck a middle-aged man came up to him and asked for a ride to the next town. He was hitchhiking to meet his family or to a job, I forget which. This was years ago. We were in a truck with no back seat and we had 2 children’s car seats in the front seat so we were full and didn’t have room for him to ride up front with us. This was in the late 1970’s when you still saw a lot of hitchhikers along the roads, not like today. The man climbed into the back of the truck. I guess he was that desperate to get where he was going.
As we were riding down the road, I looked back at him to see him shivering from the cold. I had my husband pull over and I gave him my daughter’s crocheted baby blanket to offer some additional cover. It was all that we had with us. We had a heater in the truck. He still shivered all the way to the next town where he got out and went on his way. That is probably the only time that we have done something that was supposed to be good and I felt guilty because he was so cold. I oftened wondered if he got pneumonia from that cold ride in the back of our truck.
This story isn’t exactly what you asked for but it is my story that came to mind.
Patricia
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker’s last blog post..A New Earth—1st Class
3:06 pm on March 9th, 2008 5
I recall a time when I was headed to the newspaper office downtown to place an ad and a woman walked by me without a coat. It was very cold that day and I felt the still small voice within say “give her your coat.” I only had one winter coat, but I did have an all weather coat at home. The first thought was if I gave her my coat, what would I wear to keep warm? I proceeded into the building to handle my business, but while standing at the counter I decided that I would give her the coat because this was obviously God nudging me to do it.
When I came out of the building just a few minutes later she was gone. I couldn’t find her anywhere and like you it hurt me to my soul. I started wondering if she would freeze to death and what if “no one” would offer her a coat. That was many many years ago and I can recall it as if it were yesterday. I made a decision at that point never to hesitate if I felt that way again.
About 4 years ago while going on vacation, I stopped in a small town to get some writing tablets. When I came out of the store and drove out of the parking lot, there was a woman standing at the stop sign with a sign that said “Stranded - need help to get back to Michigan”. I knew in my heart that the real reason I was prompted to get off at that exit was not really to buy writing tablets but to help this woman in need.
I didn’t have any cash but I went to the nearest service station and told the attendant that I was paying for gas for a stranded stranger and that he was to give her the gas when she brought him the receipt. He discouraged me from doing it and said another person with a camper was in town with a similar sign (not Michigan) and that I shouldn’t do it. But I would rather be an angel for God than care about if I looked foolish in the eyes of the gas attendant.
My belief is when someone who is in need crosses your path and you have the ability to help them and you feel the nudge within to help, that we should rise to the occasion. When we sense the inner nudge to do it, that is when we should act because in doing so, we are the answers to prayers of someone else in need.
As for being taken advantage of, my belief is if I reach out to help from an open heart and I am somehow taken advantage of in the process, God will square that for me and I will not take a loss for doing good.
During the tough time of my own life, there were people who I call “angels” that reached out to me, people I didn’t even know. That planted a deep seed within my heart to be a giver and generous whenever I can. The way I look at it is now it’s my turn to give back what was freely given to me.
Sharmaine
3:34 pm on March 9th, 2008 6
Gilbert:
I am so incredibly thankful and grateful when a long-time subscriber such as yourself comes forward to leave a comment for the first time, letting me know that my work has benefited you all this time.
Thank you so much for letting me know about the impact I’ve made on your life. It is really humbling to hear from someone like you.
You’re right - we’re all connected and we get opportunities like the day I met that young woman in the pouring rain. Amazing experiences!
Bless you for coming forward and dropping a note - it was appreciated more then you’ll ever know!
3:39 pm on March 9th, 2008 7
Patricia:
I can tell this article triggered a flood of memories one of which you just told us about. I was able to picture you looking through the back window, feeling bad for the guy who was shivering.
You bring up an interesting point about whether or not to give money because you wonder if we’re “enabling” their drug or drinking habits. I’ve often wondered that myself and sometimes I don’t give because of that.
It’s a difficult situation - you’re caught between a rock and a hard place when dealing with this. Thanks for sharing!
3:53 pm on March 9th, 2008 8
Sharmaine:
What an explosively powerful response, not to mention story! Thank so much for sharing your own experience with us. Looks like we have 3 major stories here so far! Awesome.
I know exactly how it must have felt when the gas station attendant warned you not to take care of the stranded person because there were others like him out on there. The gas station attendant’s frame of mine was similiar to mine when I hestitated to give the hysterical lady the last $20 bill I had in my wallet.
You have indeed had many angels when you were experiencing troubled times! Thanks for sharing your story too.
9:41 pm on March 9th, 2008 9
I had the same experience. It was a woman with a small child and it was a cold night.
I gave her the $20.00 and have heard from the person who was walking with me what a sucker I am ever since. She was probably going to buy drugs with it and not feed her child. She really gave me a hard time about it.
But, I feel that what that woman did with the money was not my business. How do I know her situation?
I have been glad ever since.
Giving is for you - not the receiver.
9:47 pm on March 9th, 2008 10
Corinne:
Do you realize how powerful of a statement you just made with that last line?
“Giving is for you - not the receiver.”
Holy moly, I never thought of it that way. Wow!! Are you an angel or something?
10:39 am on March 10th, 2008 11
This is a great article, Stephen.
A homeless man once asked me for a dollar at a gas station. I gave it to him - only to spot him inside the gas station buying alcohol five minutes later. That definitely made me feel taken advantage of - I didn’t want to contribute to another’s disease of addiction!
Once at a freeway entrance, there was a man with a sign saying he needed food. I had no cash on me whatsoever - but I was just coming home from the grocery store. I rolled down my window and asked him if I could offer him a bag of cookies. He gratefully accepted, and I could see him chomping on cookies in my rearview mirror as I drove away.
I think it’s better to give and be taken advantage of, than not to give to someone truly in need.
Andre Hess|Empowered Soul’s last blog post..Deconstructing our Brick Walls
12:49 pm on March 10th, 2008 12
Andre:
You said it in a different way compared to what Corinne said earlier. The giving is for you, not for the receiver.
The key is to be detached from what the receiver decides to do with the money or gift you just gave. Of course, we hope they’ll do some good with it but, ultimately it’s up to the beneficary of your gifts and we can’t do anything about it. So we might as well let it go, right?
2:30 pm on March 10th, 2008 13
A very heart-tugging post. I understand your dilemma and it reminded me of a story Dr. Wayne Dyer talked about in one of his lectures. When he travels to speak if he has time he likes to take a few people on his staff and walk around. He did this on one speaking engagement and went for a walk and found himself in a run down area. He came across a young woman probably in her mid to late teens, not having bathed for awhile and he was moved to give her a $100 bill. The people he was with all said similar things as what had been mentioned. But he said to them that he listened to what he felt in his heart to do and that was between him and God. What she did with the money was not his responsibility, it was between her and God. I’m paraphrasing here but I always remembered that story.
Pat R’s last blog post..What Do You Identify With? The Ego Knows
2:38 pm on March 10th, 2008 14
Pat:
That was pretty cool - what Wayne Dyer said. Thanks a lot for sharing that. Hmmm…yes, giving is between you and God. How very true.
thanks for dropping in - glad your heart was tugged by this one.
4:37 pm on March 10th, 2008 15
Good story. I understand exactly what you are feeling. I often see several “beggars” in DC and since there are so many, I simply don’t bother any more. However, if something like that happens way out there, then it might be something to think about…. helping a person in need.
I remember once when I was in a bookstore when a seemingly homeless man approached me with a small card. The card had manual fingerspelling pictures, saying, I need help and I am deaf. Seeing the card, I quickly signed to him that I was deaf too. He then disappeared so fast before I could blink my eye!
I think with so many con people out there, our trust are somewhat skewed.
10:34 am on March 11th, 2008 16
Nita:
I remember when I was in NYC, there were a lot of deaf beggars passing out sign language cards on the subway. It always pained me to see them doing that.
You’re right - our trust has become somewhat skewered in dealing with beggars and homeless people who want a handout.
But I’m beginning to understand that if you give, it’s not really for the receiver but for yourself. You feel better about “helping” someone regardless of whether they did something good with your gift or not. It’s between them and God, in my opinion.
Nowadays I’ll give if I feel inspired to give, not because I feel guilty. Big difference.
Thanks for sharing!
11:15 am on March 11th, 2008 17
[...] Another blog I know you will enjoy is Stephen Hopsons blog, he’s a qualified deaf pilot! Among his posts are some real thought provokers like this one about not giving when you know you should [...]
12:29 pm on March 11th, 2008 18
Stephen, thank you for another inspiring and thought provoking article. Many years ago, when I was a new mother, I was approached as I was leaving the grocery store with a week’s worth of groceries. A woman approached me with a baby in her arms. The woman was thin and dirty and was probably near my own age of 27 but it looked like they had been hard years for her.
She asked for money to buy formula for her baby. Now, I have always been idealistic (my husband would say naive) but my first thought was “If I give her money she will probably buy drugs.” Thinking quickly, I reached into my full cart and brought out a container of baby formula and handed it to her and told her “Good luck.”
Maybe she sold it for money and still bought drugs but I like to believe that the baby got the formula. Perhaps, instead of giving your last $20 you could have given her your cheap umbrella. Maybe that is why you had a cheap umbrella. It might not get her home but it would keep her dry.
1:44 pm on March 11th, 2008 19
Cathy:
Welcome to the Adversity University community! Thanks for joining in. It’s great to have you with us.
Excellent point - perhaps I could have given her the cheap umbrella. I wish I had thought of that. I guess I was under a little duress given the sudden, unexpected nature of the situation.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I would venture to say many of us have had an encounter similiar to yours, mine and those of others who have commented and/or read this article. It’s a universal experience - one that many of us can say we’ve encountered at least once in your lifetime.
Your story painted a very vivid scene for us - thanks for sharing it.
8:34 pm on March 11th, 2008 20
Stephen,
When there is NO going back to change the way
we handled a situation, the best you can do is…
“Live and learn”.
Since this lesson has propelled you to being
a more giving person, you have learned.
I usually think the best of people, but somehow
I have this vision of a boyfriend sitting in a car
waiting for the young woman to haul in the take.
But I would never call someone a sucker for giving.
8:43 pm on March 11th, 2008 21
Deb:
It DEFINITELY propelled me to learn a valuable lesson. And even today, nearly 5 or 6 years after it happened, I’ve learned something new from the community here:
“Giving is between you and God.”
“Giving is not for the receiver - it’s for you.”
You guys are amazing!
2:18 pm on March 12th, 2008 22
Definitely been in that situation before. I don’t have much to give, but sometimes I feel like I should have made an effort, if even just a bottle of water. I don’t know…I know I DO help others often, but I’ve run into so many, for example, in store parking lots who ARE running scams, that I’m leery more often than not.
Angela Klocke’s last blog post..I had a dream
2:33 pm on March 12th, 2008 23
Angela:
You’re not alone - being leery of scams going on. I guess the best measure we have to protect ourselves is our own intutition. If something “doesn’t feel right,” then I guess that means we do not have to feel obligated to give and still come out without feeling guilty.
11:11 am on March 16th, 2008 24
[...] Not Giving When You Know You Should: A Haunting Story Stephen Hopson tells a story about a decision point in his life. We’ve all been there. [...]
1:03 pm on March 20th, 2008 25
When we argue with a strong impulse to give, we are usually either trying to get out of the obligation or we are trying to control an uncontrolable situation. If you give in love, as a reflection of His love, you trust that the impulse is good and that the results will be right. Even if that money is used to buy drugs today, it might be the thing that allows the person to live until the day that they finally bottom out and become what they were meant to be. I am very grateful that it is not up to me to keep track of the plan for the rest of the world.
If God wants me to give, I try to remember that what I’m giving was only a loan in the first place. It doesn’t always work–I have my share of chilly what-if’s. But when I do obey the moment, I am rewarded with a good feeling, a lesson and a memory to sustain me. Every time.
6:55 am on March 21st, 2008 26
Jennifer:
What you said in the last paragraph “if God wants me to give, I try to remember that what I’m giving was only a loan in the first place.”
In other words, it’s not really your money - it’s God’s! I remember someone telling me this a long time ago or maybe I read it somewhere. But it’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?
Thanks for stopping by for the first time and leaving a message - it’s truly appreciated!
3:58 pm on March 26th, 2008 27
You know I once read a newspaper article about 10 years ago about a woman on the streets of Chicago asking for money. She then made it out of the shelter she was in and got a job and had another start on life. She went back to the place where she asked for help and handed out cookies with a note that said “Thank You.”
It also reminds me of the “What would you do?” series running on ABC’s Primetime.
Lisa Callsen’s last blog post..Heightening Deaf Awareness
5:01 pm on March 26th, 2008 28
Lisa:
It is stories like this that always reminds me of the power of giving - thanks for sharing yours. I loved it!
5:53 pm on May 14th, 2008 29
great story. I think most would have been freaked out by that. But hopefully we can all get past the initial shock of it in the future.
Matts last blog post..MediaTemple GS Customers Beware Site Down for 23 hours
7:41 pm on May 14th, 2008 30
Matt:
Welcome aboard - thanks for joining in on the discussion here. Glad you enjoyed reading this one. I was definitely a little perturbed by the experience but have never forgotten it. Weird how it happened the way it did but I learned something from it.
1:40 am on June 3rd, 2008 31
As they say a friend in need is a friend indeed. I always try to help less fortunate people but sometimes when I give to the same ones over and over I feel taken advantage of because here I am working hard for my money and then others just take. Ah well, I did my part to help society. Nice read.
3:36 pm on June 3rd, 2008 32
Social Marketplace (do you have a name?) (Wink, wink) (Hint, Hint):
I can certainly understand the feeling when you give and give over and over without any reciprocation, there’s the tendency to feel “taken advantage of” but my rule of thumb is to give without any expectation. And if I ever reach that tipping point where I feel that way, I back off and find another recipient who might be more grateful.
Glad you enjoyed this one.