This is a short story of something that happened many years ago. The incident taught me a valuable lesson in self acceptance. (Photo: 
It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Have you ever had one too? Looking back, it was God’s way of saying, “Hey, get over yourself! You are who you are for a reason, just accept it!”
It took me years to come to terms with my deafness. When I was a kid, I was acutely aware of the difference between myself and the others.
Even though I appeared to be gregarious and happy-go-lucky, deep down I felt like an ugly bucktooth kid who wore a hearing aid box that was holstered in an albatross with wires that ran from the box up to the hearing aid in both ears. Not a day went by when I didn’t wish I was someone else with normal hearing.
One night during the mid-eighties, I came up with the perfect way to look “normal.” I decided I was going to go out for a couple of drinks and leave my hearing aid home in the top dresser drawer! It would turn out to be a painful price to pay, as you’ll see in a moment.
I headed downtown to a bar in Soho which was (and still is) a trendy spot in New York City. Even Robert DeNiro had a restaurant down there.
So there I was by myself at the bar, nursing my first martini with a big fat green olive. So far, so good. Now, my intention was not to talk to anyone, just have a couple drinks and then go home. Don’t ask me why I decided to go out if I had no intentions of talking to anyone! Who knows what I was thinking at the time?
Just as I ordered a second one, in walked this 9 foot lady who looked like she just stepped out of a James Bond movie. She had on a long mink coat that trailed for 100 miles behind her. She was wearing a red dress with a pair of matching red shoes and blood red fingernails.
Unfortunately, she slid right next to me and pulled out the longest cigarette I had ever seen. Then she proceeded to order a glass of red wine, the color of which matched her lips exactly.
I quickly gulped down the martini and ordered a third. While I was waiting for the bartender to bring it around, I made a fatal mistake.
I looked in her direction.
The inevitable followed. She said hi. I said hi back. Suddenly we were talking about….nothing. Ever watch Seinfield?
Pretty soon I was mimicking her. Every time she laughed, smiled or rolled up her eyes, I did the same.
Apparently, I was doing a fabulous job because I was responding in all the right places. She had absolutely no clue.
But when I ordered my fourth martini, something very unexpected happened. I was in no way prepared.
She leaned over and whispered in my ear!
Now, when you’re talking to a deaf person, that’s a BIG NO, NO! (wagging my finger)
But nooooooooo, I wanted to be “norrrrrrrmal,” remember?
I had to fight for a semblance of control because the pressure of her words against my earlobe was outrageously ticklish. My fingernails dug deeper in the wooden countertop.
Suddenly, she pulled back. There was a quizzical look in her face.
Shit.
Judging by the look of her face, it was either a yes or no.
“Okay, yeah, yes, fine,” I said brilliantly.
Extinguishing her cigarette in the ashtray, she swiftly put on her mink coat and said, “follow me.”
Warning bells were blaring, but I trotted after her like a clueless Golden Retriever to a waiting cab outside the bar.
Have you ever been in a cab in New York City? Those cab drivers think they belong to NASCAR. We raced uptown probably clocking 100 miles an hour.
It was a good thing it was dark because as we were zigzagging through traffic, I sat in the back seat thinking, “How the &*^%$ did this happen?”
Five seconds later, we pulled in front of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Have you ever been there? It must be what heaven looks like after you die.
We breezed through the marble lobby and got into the elevator. I grew more worried as the numbers blinked higher on the overhead panel.
Finally, the elevator stopped on the nineteenth floor, the doors opened and we both stepped out, made a right and walked halfway down the hall, stopping at Room 1960. I remember that number because I was born that year!
As she was pulling out the room key from her red pocketbook, she paused for a moment and looked at me.
“Are you ready?”
I grunted, “Yeh, nuh.”
Pushing the card in and out of the slot, she swung the door wide open. What I saw on the king-sized bed positively made my knees buckle. I had no choice but to grab onto the door frame for dear life.
There was……an assortment of…….equipment.
If there was ever a time when I thought I’d need a wheelchair, that would have been it!
Badly shaken but not stirred, I turned to face the very scary James Bond lady and said, “But I thought we were going to a party?”
“WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF?” came the thunderous reply.
It took superhuman strength to thrust my shaky finger in the air, “Uh, this isn’t my cup of tea!” I bolted past her, flew down 19 flights of stairs, hopped into a waiting cab and went home, just like in the movies.
When I got home, I fixed myself a fifth and final martini.
The next time you’re tempted to be someone you’re not, don’t come crying to me!!
Food for thought: What was the most embarrassing incident that happened to you in the past and what did you learn from it?
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6:49 am on August 13th, 2007 1
Great stuff…. I can relate to this very well, NO not the whipping and stuff, just the deafness and whispers in the ear issue.
Being deaf myself and knowing where you are coming from here, I have to admit I have never felt bad about wearing my hearing aid and normally would be staright about it IF a beautiful lady whispered into my ear.
If half an hour goes by without them noticing my deafness I will admit to it with a smile… ;o)
Great blog, glad a a friend pointed it out to me.
I’ll keep “listening”, pardon the pun. ;o)
Take care.
Rob
7:37 am on August 13th, 2007 2
Rob:
Hi there, thanks for commenting on this story.
Thankfully there was no whipping that evening. LOL. But boy, what an experience it was. It taught me a strong lesson on self acceptance.
Isn’t that why we are made the way we are? There are no accidents. We were made in this body for a specific reason, I believe but sometimes we aren’t aware of it until something like that experience cames along to smakc us awake. It certainly left a red imprint on my cheek that day!
I’m so glad you stopped by Rob! Welcome to my world and thanks for letting me in yours.
Stephen
10:51 am on September 22nd, 2007 3
Whoa, Stephen - your story is WAY better than mine! And well written, too - I was kept in suspense until the door was opened. LOL Thanks for visiting my site as well!
10:54 am on September 22nd, 2007 4
Barb:
Thanks for the wondeful compliment! I love to write, as you can see. And I’m very grateful when the words flow. When that happens, I’m very much in heaven and feel an overwhelming sense of excitement and gratitude.
Thanks SO MUCH for stopping by and for telling me how much you enjoyed the story. I appreciate it much.
Stephen
7:55 am on October 15th, 2007 5
[...] to subscribe via Email or RSS feed Welcome!Several months ago I posted an article entitled, “The Price You Pay for Not Accepting Yourself,” a funny account of what happened after I purposefully left my hearing aids at home while [...]
3:02 pm on October 18th, 2007 6
[...] about the “Grandmotherly Client From Hell” along with the “James Bond Lady Fiasco“ were regaled, much to their delight. Everybody, including myself, ended up having FUN! [...]
10:41 am on October 2nd, 2008 7
This story always cracks me up! Wouldn’t it be funny if that gal found you on the ‘net one day?
10:53 am on October 2nd, 2008 8
Strong work - should make an interesting entry into the contest.
Some thoughts:
On the opening - what if you opened with “Have you ever heard the voice of God?” Maybe play on the fact that its harder for you to hear it due to deafness? May play better than ‘most embarrassing moment’.
In describing mink coat - instead of 100 feet long, how about a comment about how many minks it took up? The entire Mink population of the state or country of (pick appropriate geographic location).
What if ‘equipment’ became a veritable playground for adults, complete with chains, a ball pit, and twisty slides? This can soften the edge without losing the humor.
At the end, how important is it that you make a huge point? Perhaps go back to refer to the voice of God. Even with a point, to win the Humorous contest you want to end on a laugh - so make the last point funny.
This is a wonderful speech, filled with humor, description, suspense - excellent job. Good luck!
11:01 am on October 2nd, 2008 9
Stephen,
Isn’t it great that you can look back on this and laugh today? A very funny story, and extremely well written. I can see how this has won you some humorous speech contests. Good luck with it this weekend!
11:06 am on October 2nd, 2008 10
@ Phil Stanoch:
Oh yes and it feels good to share it with others because it has a valuable lesson in it. Thanks for the compliments.
I’ve been busy honing it for the next contest this coming Saturday. Pretty psyched for it.
11:08 am on October 2nd, 2008 11
@ Rich:
These are absolutely pheonomially excellent suggestions. They are all fantastic food for thought.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I’m now off to the gym for a vigorous workout to clear my mind and then return to the task of honing this speech a bit more and chew on your ideas, thoughts and suggestions.
I would never have thought of the “how many minks, etc.” Interesting! I’ll keep you posted, of course.
11:09 am on October 2nd, 2008 12
@ Karen Putz / DeafMom:
Oh Good God NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am deathly afraid of someone who looks like the Glenn Close character from the movie “101 Dalmatians”!
7:41 pm on October 6th, 2008 13
When you first told me this story, I thought I was going to wet my pants laughing! Oooh, that’s even funnier!
This is great and just teaches us that we need to be clear about who we are, as well as what we are doing, and learn from our mistakes. You learned a big one here!
7:30 am on October 7th, 2008 14
@ Lorelle:
Thanks Lorelle! It’s a story I’ve told hundreds of times and I continue to refine it for the benefit of the audience I tell it to. Definitely contains a lesson behind it.
12:59 pm on October 14th, 2008 15
“Are you DEAF?!!”
“WHAT?”
You brought us all with you and beautifully. Thank you for this reminder of my humanity. I’ve been there in my own version so many times. Some lessons we just have to live . . . don’t we? I’m smiling with you.
9:49 am on October 15th, 2008 16
@ Liz Strauss:
Thanks so much Liz - I enjoy writing stories about things that have happened and turn them into life lessons to be shared with humanity. I’m grateful you got a chance to read this story and smile along with me.
I’m also very grateful and humbled that you alerted some of your people about this story because right after you left a comment, I suddenly saw a nice spike in traffic and assume it was because of YOU.
Thank YOU. ((hugs))
12:01 am on January 5th, 2009 17
This story reminds us how far we are sometimes willing to go before we are ready to swallow our pride. Is is not funny, looking abck, how difficult we convince ourselves it is to just be ourselves, accept ourselves with all our imperfections? Based n this story, you were given some humorous opportunities to expand your horizons. Although you did not always follow through, you taught yourself meaning is found in taking risks. When you remain open-minded and receptive, learning is perpetual.
8:29 am on January 5th, 2009 18
@ Liara Covert:
That was definitely a most embarrassing moment but I certainly learned a profound lesson. It’s funny now and people laugh appreciably when I tell them this story at speaking engagements or when having a private conversation with people.
1:53 pm on January 17th, 2009 19
Embarassing moments provide some very useful stories for us to refer back to later. In fact, emotional situations in general often provide indispensible lessons. As we think about it, mundane experiences do not turn our heads abruptly or, raise our awareness as effectively as situations that startle or shock us. This helps explain why nightmares can also be extremely effective wake up calls to pay attention to something we had been denying, rejecting or avoiding. Our physical bodies are incredible teachers. They daze and amaze us!
2:02 pm on January 17th, 2009 20
@ Liara Covert:
You bet! In fact, this story has become the staple of most of my keynote speeches. It always tickles people’s funny bones and they “get the message.” This was definitely one of the more “shockin” and memorable experiences for my audiences. I even won several local Toastmaster humorous speech contests last year with this story!