Everyone has experienced a time when they had to deal with a difficult person. This is a form of adversity. Difficult people take different shapes whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, angry, combative or a host of other negative emotions. (Photo: Simmer Down Na)
The question is, how can we deal with them?
In my view, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved and listened to. They want to feel important but just don’t know how to do it right.
Here’s 7 things I do when in the presence of such a person:
1. Remain calm in the eye of the storm. Be still and say nothing. Let it run its course. Often times the angry person is trying to provoke you into a shouting match. It doesn’t pay to argue because it raises barriers. Remember how I handled the barber situation?
2. Let the person do a great deal of the talking. He will soon tire of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.
3. Genuinely see from the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and expound on them.
4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you heard him. That’s all they usually want – to be validated! By agreeing on some things, you are gradually breaking down the other person’s anger or resistance.
5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it (with your palms extended upward as if you were a traffic policeman), and firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give the benefit of the doubt) so I will excuse myself and we’ll talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask the person to leave.
6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I will do about it…….”
Or even if you’re convinced you’re NOT wrong, at least give the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” No one would argue with that!
These words also have power – tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension hanging in the air – it dissipates almost immediately and you can almost hear (or in my case see) a sigh of relief from the other person. They have been heard is what their brain is telling them. You might be surprised to see what happens after that. This person might do a sudden about-face and actually end up defending you!
They might have a change of heart and say: “Yes, you’re at fault but it’s no big deal, everyone makes mistakes.” You could actually have a little fun watching the other person reverse course if you continue on with this dialogue. I’ve done it myself numerous times. It’s almost addictive!
“I should have been more careful, I’m embarrassed to have done this. You’ve given me a lot of work and I’m grateful for it. In fact, I’m going to do this project all over again for you.”
The other person, being human and having been heard (and validated) might protest, “No, No, I wouldn’t put you through all that trouble.” (If on the other hand that doesn’t happen and he agrees with your assessment, well then do the next best thing and just do it.)
For the most part, you’d be amazed what was once a difficult person trying to pin the blame on you is suddenly an advocate of yours. Instead of arguing with the person, saying he was wrong and you were right, what’s happened is you’ve changed what could have been an ugly event into one that turned out better than you envisioned! It is a most amazing feeling.
Your eagerness to show he was right and you were wrong would take the fight out of him. There is a lot of satisfaction, at least in my mind, to having the courage to admit that someone else was right in pointing out your errors. The person criticizing you is often primed for a big argument but when you surprise the other person by agreeing with some of his viewpoints, you sap his will to fight because there’s nothing left for him to wield the sword!
7. If you’re dealing with someone you deal with on a daily basis like a boss or co-worker who is constantly negative, combative, argumentative and the like, what I’ve done is to use the power of visualization. I imagine that person as a loving spiritual being having a human experience. I did this with a boss I had at the Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave everyone, including me, a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.
One day I had an idea (thanks to the book The Power of Positive Thinking) and started to visualize him as a loving grandfather because when he was a good mood (which you never knew would happen), he would lovingly talk about his grandchildren. His eyes and face would light up with incredible joy, leading me to realize there was a softhearted man behind the mean-looking facade. Every morning before going to work, I imagined him romping around in the backyard on a warm, breezy day with his grandkids squealing and laughing with delight. I did this for several months with amazing results.
Long story short, this man promoted me almost 1 year later. I will be writing a story about this experience in the future but what I want to emphasize is that this promotion was in no small part due to the power of visualization.
No one can dispute that this works because I’ve lived to tell the story. I’ve used it win trips to Mexico and Bermuda (sales contests at Merrill Lynch), to forgive those who have hurt me, to become the world’s first deaf instrument pilot and to give powerful presentations, to name a few. It’s absolutely amazing.
Food for thought: Think about how you dealt with difficult people in the past. Were you tempted to prove them wrong, trying to save yourself face? Were you able to see through the facade and truly see that all they want is to be heard, loved and validated? Have you tried the power of visualization?
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7:41 am on October 15th, 2007 1
[...] via Email or RSS feed Welcome!One of the most popular articles I’ve ever written was ”How to Deal with Difficult People.” Apparently it struck a nerve out there. In a moment, you’ll understand [...]
4:45 pm on April 10th, 2008 2
Stephen,
Great post! As a firefighter, I encounter a lot of negative people in difficult situations, not to mention negative co-workers. Thanks for the insight on how to handle some of those situations!
The Power of Positive Thinking is a great book! A must read for anyone looking to make a change in their life.
John
7:51 pm on April 10th, 2008 3
Hello there John:
Let me take this opportunity to salute you sir, for putting your life on the line. My Dad used to be a volunteer fireman (and later Chief) at the local fire department while I was growing up. I went to many fires and accidents with him. Sometimes he’d let me push the black button beneath the dashboard that was for the siren. Imagine how much of a thrill it was for a kid to do that and watch everyone magically pull off the road to let us through!
Dealing with negative co-workers, especially those who gossip and complain are quite toxic to those of us who are trying to maintain a some resemblance of sanity. I’m glad you liked this post.
Welcome! Oh yes, the Power of Positive Thinking book really changed my life in a way I hadn’t expected. Amazing that this book continues to stay in print long after Norman Vincent Peale’s death. Timeless book, that one.
6:14 pm on January 18th, 2009 4
Stephen, some people are conditioned to avoid difficult people. This is an example of aversion to discomfort. Ironically, this reaction is like an effort to escape freedom. No problem is solvable until an individual assumes responsibility for solving it. Any blaming, denial, disavowel of reality of being in control simply causes perceived problems to persist. The good thing is solutions always exist. It is up to you to decide to live in solutions-oriented ways.
8:18 am on March 9th, 2009 5
“Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” haha, this seems a nice pull-off point and something I’m not too accustomed of saying…
11:45 am on March 9th, 2009 6
@ Abdulrehman:
It’s a great way to disarm someone, especially in the heat of the moment. When you don’t give them any more ammunition, the fight in the other person eventually dies out because often times they are trying to provoke you.
Welcome to my community! Nice to have a young man like yourself participating.
6:11 am on May 29th, 2009 7
Interesting post with some potentially powerful suggestions. I’m afraid I fall into the category of people who’s initial instinct is to do completely the wrong thing – that is try to prove the other person wrong and vindicate myself, as you mention. I am having trouble with a work colleague at the moment who is very combative and so far I have fallen into the trap of ‘fighting fire with fire’ and responding in kind. I will try to take mental note of your suggestions and attempt to use those techniques to see if that improves the situation.
6:54 am on May 29th, 2009 8
@ MartinT:
When you take conscious control of how you are responding and put yourself in that state of awareness during the conflict, you’ll be amazed at what will transpire. Of course, the other person won’t be aware of what you’re doing but he won’t be able to help but back down, not knowing why. This is where it gets to be fun! Best wishes for a productive outcome the next time you two get into an argument or whatever’s happening.
7:00 am on May 29th, 2009 9
Hi Stephen – I like the idea of the ‘conflicts’ becoming fun! They certainly aren’t that at the moment so I’m more than happy to give your suggestions a go.
7:42 am on May 29th, 2009 10
@ MartinT:
Well, I certainly don’t mean to say conflict is fun, fun, fun. Definitely not – in fact, they are downright uncomfortable for someone like me. I don’t care for confrontation but when you’re dealing with someone who is constantly combative and you can’t get away (perhaps the person is your co-worker and neither of you are about to leave anytime soon) then that’s the time to adjust the mindset and begin preparing for conscious handling with you making the shift internally and trying on some ideas.
7:06 am on June 8th, 2010 11
This is so true. Being a calm and composed individual myself, i usually opt for the third and fifth option. Prolonging an irrational argument is not favorable at all. People, rather than accepting the possibility for a rational conversation are always in the ‘listen-to-me’ state. It is only advisable to ignore such behavior and move on. Facts and opinions can be looked into with a stable set of mind and not otherwise. Nice post!
6:57 pm on September 22nd, 2010 12
[...] ways of resolving conflict easily and [...]
1:24 am on May 4th, 2011 13
We live in a world of conflicts. Conflict-resolution is a hard and challenging task to do. With these insights from you, conflict-resolution is made easy!
2:55 am on May 4th, 2011 14
I used to be one of those who would put up a fight and as MartinT above said, fight fire with fire. This happened with one of my ex-bosses. One day my husband told me to try keeping quiet and letting the other person rant and rave. I had to bite my lip several times, but eventually I succeeded in letting her speak her mind, until she had nothing left to say. It worked better than I expected. She lost all that anger and just walked back to her office.
3:14 pm on May 4th, 2011 15
The power to remain calm when someone else is loosing it absolutely turns the table in your favor. You will be seen in a favorable light whether you were in the right or not.
Also, by not raising your voice when others are shouting or screaming, you can bring the tension level down considerably. Remember, it takes two to argue. Don’t let them suck you in to it.
11:39 pm on May 18th, 2011 16
The power of visualization that you mentioned is still pretty new to me. However I do hope to put it into more practice as I believe that it’s better than having negative thoughts about the other person. Thanks for all these great tips Stephen!
12:07 pm on May 20th, 2011 17
It’s all about how you use the power of your mind! You’d be amazed.
11:44 pm on May 31st, 2011 18
Stephen is right! It is all in the mind, therefore one should know how to use the power of his mind. It can make you do GREAT things, things you never thought you could do.
10:49 am on June 1st, 2011 19
Power of visualization interests me a lot Stephen. Do you have any link to an article on it on your blog? If there is no written article yet, can you make one and elaborate on it further? Thanks.
11:23 am on June 2nd, 2011 20
Hi Tim! Yes here they are:
1. http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2006/08/25/part-iii-do-visualizations-really-work/
2. http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2006/08/24/part-ii-do-visualizations-really-work/
3. http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2006/08/21/part-i-do-visualizations-really-work/
Enjoy! I did it in three parts.
Next time you want to search for an article, you can go to the sitemap and do a word search using your browser search bar: http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/sitemap/ Unfortunately my archive page isn’t working for some reason.
Cheers! And thanks for asking. I hope you enjoy those articles.
11:24 am on June 2nd, 2011 21
Beth: It’s all about perception and believing in your ability to do what you need to do, right?
5:21 pm on June 21st, 2011 22
“There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….”” this always helps to calm someone and get them listening … really excellent tips and advices…
11:36 pm on June 27th, 2011 23
Thank you for the insight, actually I’m a prideful person. I don’t know how to deal with this kind of situation. Thank you..
11:40 am on July 6th, 2011 24
Often times we never know what we are capable of doing until we are faced with a situation that dares to test our courage. That’s when we find out how much courage we really have inside us.
12:22 pm on July 6th, 2011 25
Richard: It’s pretty interesting how things can change when you use words like that. It’s like a sudden shift of energy taking place in the room. I dare people to try it in the middle of a “heated argument.”